The One Where Loki Screws the Avengers (In More Ways Than One)
by cantfindmypants
Summary: "So, let me get this straight," Clint said slowly. "After escaping from an Asgardian prison, faking your death and realizing that you can do ANYTHING you want, the first idea to cross your mind was 'Hey, I think I'll turn myself into a girl and screw my way through the Avengers?" Written as a crack piece for the kink meme.


Clint got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach the moment he heard the voices outside the door. Well, actually, they could've been thirty floors down for all he knew. Thor could be very loud when he was angry.

But Thor being angry was nothing out of the ordinary. His emotions were varied but he seemed to express them all the same way. Happy? Break something. Grateful? Break something. Sad? Break something. Hungry? Break something. Angry? Break lots of somethings.

And Clint was pretty sure he had heard several somethings break.

No, Angry Thor was not unusual. But Angry Thor shouting at his psycho, brain-raping tweaker of a little brother _definitely_ was. Because said psycho had been dead for four years now. Stabbed through the chest, something about elves and a black hole grenade, or something like that. But the stabbing in the chest was all that mattered to Clint. Because it was what finally put Loki out of their misery.

Oh, wait, no. Apparently not.

The door burst open, and Thor dragged Loki in by his arm, closely followed by Tony, who looked just as pissed as the thunder god. Whether it was because of Loki's continued existence or because of the several somethings Clint had heard break moments before was unclear.

"What is _he_ doing here?!" Natasha exclaimed, dropping her toast on the table as she leapt to her feet. "I thought he was dead!"

"Far from it," Thor growled. "Out with it, Brother. You have gone too far this time!"

Bruce glanced from Thor to Tony, who still looked positively irate. "What did he do?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'll tell you what he did," Tony interrupted. "Or, rather, who! Fertile Myrtle here has been fucking us all!"

"He's fucked us over quite a few times," Natasha reminded him, eyes still fixed on Loki, who grinned that awful 'I-know-something-you-don't-know' grin that haunted her nightmares.

"Not like this," Tony growled. "I'm talking about the literal sense here."

Thor grasped Loki by the back of his neck and shoved him into the nearest chair. "My brother is able to alter his form, which he has used to his advantage on numerous occasions. And in times such as these, he seems quite content to use this ability for mischief."

Steve, who had been silent for the majority of their exchange, finally spoke up. "If you're saying what I think you're saying…" he began. "You're not, are you?"

"Afraid so," Loki quipped. Only, it wasn't Loki anymore. In his place sat an unnaturally beautiful woman, black tresses pouring over her shoulders in loose waves, her pale, curvy figure only barely concealed by the form-fitting green cocktail dress cut just _slightly_ too short.

"YOU!" came the simultaneous roar from every mouth. Clint choked on his own saliva, and Bruce's mouth hung open in disgusted shock.

"Glad you all remember me," the woman simpered. "Natasha, you said I looked familiar. At first, I just thought it was a pick-up line, but now I'm not so sure. Did you ever recall whom it was I reminded you of?"

Natasha groaned. Of course. The shit-eating grin she had mistook for a sultry come-hither beacon was as plain on this woman's face as it was on Loki's. Some things just never changed.

"And Clint," Loki continued. "Would you, ah, care to explain what it was you were trying to do with that arrow? I would have asked earlier, but you were quite drunk."

"Does this count as rape?" Clint asked weakly.

"Not according to Tony." Loki turned his attention on the irate billionaire. "How many drinks did you buy me that night? They were so sugary that I could barely taste the vodka. Or was that the point?"

"Someone please shut him up."

"And my dear Captain," Loki's grin couldn't possible get any wider. Could it? "I hear so many women in this realm prattling on about how men don't know how to treat a lady. How wrong they are! I would almost go as far as to call you my favourite." Steve had long since squeezed his eyes shut and didn't seem likely to open them any time in the near future.

For a second, Loki's eyes flitted towards Bruce, but whatever he was about to say seemed to die in his mouth. "What's wrong, Myrtle?" Tony snapped. "Afraid of getting slammed into the floor again?"

Loki glared, the memory still fresh in his mind. "The thought had crossed my mind, yes," he replied. "Though I much preferred getting 'slammed' into the table. And the wall. And the bathtub. And the stairs. Countertop was a bit cold. Bed seemed a bit rickety, but stable for the most part."

There was a loud CLUNK as Thor knocked Mjölnir against the back of Loki's head. There was the briefest pulse of green light as he unconsciously reverted to his original form, swaying and looking the slightest bit cross-eyed and he recovered from the blow. "_That_ was unnecessary."

"So what do we do with him now?" Natasha snapped. "Clearly Asgard isn't the most secure place to keep him. We should tell SHIELD he's in our custody and have him—"

"Daddy?"

The room fell silent as a girl of about four poked her head in the door, brown eyes wide as she glanced about. "Not now, Pepper," Tony said, hurrying to usher her back into the hall. "Mommy and Daddy are talking."

"You're talking really loud," she said as Tony guided her out of the room. "Can I have a snack?"

"Here, there's a vending machine down the hall. Get a cookie." He handed her some coins and she stared at them doubtfully.

"But Jarvis is hungry too," she said.

"They come in packs of two. Share with him. We'll be done in a minute."

"Okay!" She scampered down the hall, and Tony shut the door with a grimace.

"'Daddy'?" Steve repeated doubtfully. "I didn't know you were a father."

Tony scowled at Loki, whose impish grin had returned (even if he still was a little cross-eyed). "Yeah, neither did I," he replied. "Fertile Myrtle here kinda forgot that little detail."

Natasha shook her head, as though clearing it from a haze. "Wait, wait wait. _Loki_ is the mother of your child?"

"Children," Tony corrected. "Twins. A boy and a girl. And of course he is; you really think I'd name my kids Pepper and Jarvis?"

What little colour was left in Clint's face fled south for the winter. "Shit."

Bruce was the first to ask the question on everyone's mind. "So, how many of us are parents?"

"All of you," Thor answered reluctantly.

"_All_ of us?" Natasha repeated.

"Yes. All of you."

"How is that even _**possible**_?!" she shouted.

Loki shrugged. "I have altered my form on numerous occasions, shot you out of the sky with my—how did you call it?" He glanced at Tony. "'Glow stick of destiny?' I invaded the minds of some of the SHIELD's best agents. And yet, _this_ is your question?"

Bruce cleared his throat softly, and said, "We thought you were dead for four years. And there are five of us. So either you've been really busy or, once again, you're lying to us."

"I've been _very_ busy," he said smugly.

Steve dropped his head to the table with a _thunk_. "I can't believe this is happening," he groaned. "Why in the world would you _do_ something like this?!"

"It was the first idea that came to mind," Loki said with an air of dismissal. "This may come as a surprise to you, but plotting revenge on the Allfather is _dreadfully_ boring."

Clint pressed his fingers to his temples, willing away the migraine he knew would be at full force in under an hour. "So, let me get this straight," he said slowly. "After escaping from an Asgardian prison, faking your death and realizing that you can do _anything you want_, the first idea to cross your mind was 'Hey, I think I'll turn myself into a girl and fuck my way through the Avengers'?"

"Well, it wasn't the _first_ idea," Loki admitted. "I do have my priorities. I sampled the local cuisine, caught up on my sleep, visited this bizarre place called the 'zoo', scouted out all of SHIELD's secret facilities… and then yes, I turned myself into a girl and fucked my way through the Avengers."

"There's no way you're keeping those children," Natasha said suddenly. "Not on your life."

The smile dropped off Loki's face instantaneously. "Do not be stupid enough to think you can take them from me," he replied sharply. "They are _mine_."

"Yeah, because you made them all by yourself," Tony replied sarcastically. "Child Protective Services would just LOVE this one."

"_I_ bore them! _I_ raised them!" Loki's voice rose with every word, and Thor tightened his grip on Mjölnir. "Had Thor not caught on, you would never have known they existed!"

Tony gestured at Loki with open palms. "You see? A+ parenting right there. Mother of the year."

"Do _not_ mock me," Loki snapped.

Steve glanced from Natasha, to Loki, then to Tony. "Nevermind the fact that these are _our_ children, I think it would be wrong to leave _any_ child alone with Loki."

"I know more about raising a child than every person in this room combined," came the waspish retort. "It would be a crime to leave a child under _your_ care."

"You're a psychopath!" Natasha snapped.

"How the woman who spent our whole night together wearing a unicorn mask whilst covered in mashed potatoes thinks to call _me_ a psychopath-"

"Enough!" Thor's voice was loud enough to cut through the bickering, and the room went quiet. "I had not thought you would care to see the children, let alone want to keep them for yourselves."

Bruce's facial expression fell somewhere between shocked and offended. "Of _course_ we care about the lives of our children!" he exclaimed.

Thor frowned. "And yet an hour ago, you did not know they existed."

"Yeah, so we have a lot of catching up to do."

"Is mine a boy or a girl?" Clint asked suddenly.

Loki stared back at the archer, arms folded defensively across his chest. "Your son," he said carefully, "is almost two years old, and has excellent aim when throwing food at his sisters. I expect he will be as skilled with ranged weapons as you are when he grows stronger."

Clint smiled. If you could call a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth a smile. "I'll have a lot to teach him."

"You _will not_ take them!" Loki shouted, half-rising from his chair before being pushed back down by Thor.

"You cannot keep the children to yourself," he replied. "For they are not yours alone."

Loki shook his head. "No. Thor, no." His voice became desperate. Pleading. "Brother, no. Please! Must every child I have be ripped from me?!"

"Loki…"

"I am not accustomed to begging," Loki interrupted. "You cannot do this."

"Loki!"

"_What?!_"

Thor sighed. "I am not suggesting you surrender them entirely," he explained. "Only that you let them know their _whole_ family." He turned back towards the rest of the still-annoyed group. "Would this arrangement be acceptable?"

Natasha's face had softened slightly at Loki's outburst, but she was still glaring. In retrospect, it was probably her face's most natural expression. "How many children has he had?"

"More than I can count," Thor replied. "He once spent eight years as a milkmaid and had as many children. This sort of behaviour is not at all unusual for him."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

"I'm down," Tony said with a shrug. "Besides, I know next to squat about these little munchkins. And the last thing I need is my enemy of the week kidnapping one of them to make a point."

Bruce nodded. "I think that would be an excellent idea. I hear crying babies can be very… stressful."

"I wouldn't even know where to start," Steve admitted.

"And I can't really do the whole 'take your kid to work day," Natasha said finally. "But I'm in charge of any weapon-related teaching."

Some of the tension left Loki's shoulders as he slumped slightly in the chair. "She is already taking after you, you know? Three years old, and I already caught her putting Pepper in a choke hold."

Natasha beamed.

"So, can I meet my son now?" Clint asked. "Is he here?"

"Yeah, they're all down the hall," Tony said. "And I hate to say it, but your kid is cute as a freaking button. No idea where he got that from."

The atmosphere in the room had changed dramatically, as everyone began chattering excitedly about everything from 'I'm teaching my kid this!' to 'Yeah, well my kid could kick your kid's ass!'

"It is good to see them so enthused," Thor observed. "And you so collected."

"Will you be as excited, I wonder, when your child is born?"

Thor's eyes widened almost comically as he pointed at Loki's midsection. "Loki!" he snarled. "Stop breeding!"

"Never!"


End file.
